Traffic is a bitch (like those girls from The Hills) and it surely ruins all our chances of getting that much desired promotion from the big boss. Here in Manila the word traffic has come to mean vehicles piled on top of each other never knowing when they will be able to move again and in my opinion we should have never trusted a singing fool to solve this urban disease.
So since we Filipinos are known for our resourcefulness, or at least being able to create multi-million dollar industries by selling videos of hookers pretending to be college girls, In the near future I am sure we will think of ways to get around this urban nightmare in ways which are more creative than Manny Villar’s commercials.
So to jump start this creative process here are 10 rides that could get us faster to where we want (or in a lot of people’s cases, where we are ordered to go).
1.Electric-fan Propelled Skateboards
What do you get when a thrasher gets a job at LBC? Well, he doesn’t but if he did his genius will be of great use.
“Fuck! I can even fly to the moon on this!”
2. The Big Bubble Ride
It sure is fun to bounce along EDSA while avoiding those goddamn buses. Just bring an extra set of clothes and some perfume to combat the inevitable vomiting you’ll have after.
3. The Multi-bike
Not only is it very stupid, but it also is a great way to build cooperation and strengthen friendships.
4. Wooden Ifugao Trolleys
Our own version of the Harley. Just don’t go two fast or you’ll burn…. seriously you’ll be engulfed in flames in this wooden shit.
*in the picture is The Hill’s Angels (hope you get this one)
Is that freaking Chuck Norris??
5. Bull-Power
Horse power is a pussy compared to horny Bull Power!
6. The Dual Crotch Bike
“Yo Frederick..”
“Yes Stevenson?”
“Don’t you think this is a little bit gay?”
“Uhm… nope, you should see my ass propellers.”
“No thanks..”
7. Uni-Motorcycle
“I got this 50% off.. a bargain!! Now I’m half of what Night Rider is!”
8. The Slave Train
“The perfect way to get beaten to death by the brothas!”
9. The Jet Pack
“After 10 years of building this in my mom’s basement, I ready to kick some ass”
The last words uttered by Reginald aka M@sterW@rl0ck76 before exploding into pieces.
10. Functional Strap-on Wings
“up up and away!!!!! I’m flying, I’m flying, I’m *BLAG*!
Audio tape of what happened to Jimmy during the 2002 Science Fair..
They say our destinies are written before we were even born. To become someone we dream to be, we should start fresh and young. Athletes rule the playgrounds, artists write crayons on the wall and policemen take money from their mom’s wallets without permission starting from age 3. So I’ve compiled this guide to see if your baby will be the next ruler of this forsaken country.
1. Upon childbirth the baby is accompanied by the PSG and an entourage of military personnel for security reasons. His/her bodyguards tackle the doctor when the latter tries to slap the baby in the butt.
2. He cries at night not because he is hungry but because he wants your attention and wants you to give him 500 pesos.
3. He learns to steal money from your wallet before he could even walk
4. His first words are “I promise”.
5. When playing with a sibling, he hoards all the toys.
6. At age 2, when caught peeing in the floor he denies it and shamelessly blames the maid.
7. Instead of Barney, he watches and enjoys The President’s Hour.
8. At daycare, he is the reason that the other kids are crying.
9. He sucks up to the teacher at preschool just to get good grades and bullies his classmates into giving their snacks to him.
10. When everyone is asleep, he sneaks into the kitchen and downs a bottle of whiskey.
If your child exhibits any of these, do us all a favor and send him to another country. We’ve got enough hoodlums running our country.
A short story I wrote..
“Don’t worry, be happy..” kept resonating in my head. I kept playing Bobby McFerrin’s cool and soothing voice paired with an infectious reggae beat that would make anyone tap his feet and bob his head to the tempo. Yet, these sounds coming out of my IPOD were not enough to quiet the different voices arguing in my mind.
The clock makes a funny sound similar to that of a Nokia ring tone. I look up and see that it is already midnight. I’ve been sitting here for only a couple of hours yet it seems that I have been waiting here for a week. They couldn’t tell me anything yet. They do not know what is wrong with her. The doctor told me that the only thing that they could do for now was wait. He suggests that I do the same. I tried to, but God I hate waiting.
The room was bitterly cold, freezing even. My thick black sweater proved of little help in keeping me warm in this place that emits an extra chill that makes my right leg tremble. I am badly in need of a cigarette but somehow something is keeping me from stepping out of the room. My legs feel weak and numb and my hands refuse to stop shaking. My whole body is literally paralyzed and frozen.
I am seated on the end of a long and rusty dark-green bench which is lined up in front of the wall. In front of me lay dozens of light blue plastic chairs lined into rows where a few people are sitting. On the farthest end of the back row was an old lady holding a rosary in her hand. Her head was bowed and her face was partially covered by her long silver hair. She appears to be reciting some kind of prayer and whispering some inaudible words. A few seats to her right sits a young man who appears to be in his twenties. His right arm is in a sling and a few scratches can be seen across his face. Maybe he was involved in some kind of accident. I would like to know but now is not the right time to start a conversation with anyone here. It is too quiet, and this can be understandable. Directly in front of the rows of chairs stands a big flat screen television showing a movie about a car accident. I try my best not to glance at it. I do not want thoughts about anything that might be possible polluting my mind . It was torture.
Across the white-tiled and brightly lit room stands a cubicle where a sleepy and tired nurse is stationed. She sits beside a red telephone which rings every four or five minutes. The nurse who dons an all white suit appears to be weary and pale. I wouldn’t blame her. Being in this room for a long time can make anyone look pale, tired and even dead. Dead is not a good word but it surely captures the moment I am in. Every person in this room looks cold and lifeless. They are stationary and anxious. But somehow the room produces an aura of a certain calm and quiet. Yes it is peaceful, in contrast to the emergency room just behind the door at the farthest end of the room which appears to be a place of constant noise and movement. But this is not a comfortable kind of peace. It is a kind of peace which is felt in the middle of a cemetery. This is not the peace I want.
As I listen to Bobby McFerrin rant about how good life is, a figure clad in white steps out from the double door on the farthest end of the room. A tall, middle-aged man donning a white gown and wearing light yellow rubber surgical gloves emerges from the chaos of what we know as the emergency room. He strides slowly across the still room and heads towards me. He is calm and expressionless. His thick framed glasses reflect the light produced by the blinding fluorescent lamps which makes him appear mysterious, scary to be precise. He stops in front of where I am seated and looks at me. I look him at the eyes and notice the beads of sweat forming on his forehead. I find it peculiar that the man standing in front of me feels hot and is sweating while I am covered in thick clothing almost freezing to death. The doctor bows his head down and sits beside me. He puts his left hand on my right shoulder and says nothing. My knees suddenly feel weak and tears start forming at the corners of my eyes. All of the sudden the room is noisy. It is dark and crowded. I can hear a lot of angry people screaming, some out of grief, others of pain and most out of fear. I increase the volume of my player and try to drown out the noise. It keeps on repeating the words which I grew to hate.
“Don’t worry, be happy…”, the song continues to play.
What does an episode of South Park and the Philippine Government have in common? Well for one, both are senseless and funny. One has cartoon kids talking crap while the other has a lot of selfish and ambitious bastards talking which are full of crap. Our political arena is so funny that one would happen to mistake a senate hearing for an episode of Wowowee. The vast array of personalities (or the cast of characters which I personally call them) could extend from Action stars, sexy stars, singers, drug lords, gambling lords, priests and a hobbit (and you think Lord of the Rings is pretty diverse). As a result of this colorful ensemble we happen to have the Oscars running our country.
Don’t get me wrong here, even though I hate the fact that we have people who assume another character for a living running our country I admit that I rather enjoy their all-out riots and the drama that happens in a routine senate session that beats an episode of Gossip Girl. The Government becomes the source of everyday puns and entertainment resulting to every citizen of this country leaning more on noon time shows to pull them out of poverty. How could we blame our poor countrymen? When you have dancing, acting and singing presidential candidates then something is clearly wrong.
So the next time people should cast their votes, I hope that we learn that public office is not similar to the box office. It is a challenge for us Filipinos to learn whom to trust and invest our votes in. Actors might be very convincing in portraying larger than life and noble characters that we all love but in real life they are all just like you and me, clueless and foul-mouthed human beings.
So now, I’ll return to my favorite prime time laugh trip entitled “The President’s Hour”.
Love is truly a very beautiful thing. It enables people to experience that sudden rush of emotion that makes the music sound sweeter, the wind much fresher and that cold leftover bowl of instant noodles taste better. It is a combination of different hormonal and chemical responses that make people under the spell of love radiate a certain glow of joy, contentment and ecstasy. But like that much coveted chest of gold buried deep in an isolated island in the middle of the Pacific, the search for love is a path as difficult as the Greek victory over Troy. A lot of hopelessly romantic individuals walk a thorny road in dreaming that one day, that significant other will meet him over a bed of elegant daisies under the golden sunshine.
We as people all share the burden of this noble undertaking and that makes us all playing on leveled field as the game of love is a game where everyone is at a disadvantage. Thus to help people find their long-lost soulmates I offered my matchmaking services to a few eligible bachelors that have spent their lives wondering when the other half of their torn hearts will come to complete them.
So ladies, you might want to read on for your Mr. Right could be in this compilation of history’s most eligible bachelors.
1. Adolf Hitler
This gifted orator and well-dressed man (which is pretty uncommon for Germans) has it all. Eloquent speech, mansions all-over Germany and a massive war machine that is ready to die for him at his command. He has been too busy implementing his plan of Aryan domination and German Rule that he has overlooked the human need for love. Beneath his sexy mustache and well-propped uniform, Adolf Hitler longs for a woman that will share with him his anti-Semitic Empire and be the mother of his brutal Panzer Divisions.
What he looks for in a woman: Jews are automatically disqualified. He loves a woman who can stand long hours saluting him and marching with his massive Nazi Army and one who can listen to him talk about his plans of marching over Poland, Burning France and Pounding Great Britain.
Hobbies: Drinks inside his secret lair along with his top military advisers (or as he calls them, his drinking buddies). He also enjoys blitzkriegs over neutral nations and torturing Jews while having a nice bottle of wine.
His Ideal date: Dinner inside the Eagle’s nest while talking about his latest plan on crushing Russia and executing 100,000 POWs.
His take on love: “Love is like the sound of Innocent Jews screaming for their lives inside an infernal gas chamber, just the thought of it gives me pure ecstasy. - Adolf Hitler
2. Julius Ceasar
He didn’t build Rome in a day, he also couldn’t find true love in his lifetime. Julius Caesar might be known for creating the biggest Empire during his time but he views himself as a failure for crossing the Rubicon without someone holding his hands. He spends his lonely nights in coliseums watching men fight to their deaths and pillaging the nearby Barbarian tribes just to drown out the pain of not having a Mrs. Caesar.
What he looks for in a woman: Someone smart, strong-willed and able to warn him that senators will turn him into a human pin cushion during a routine senate session. He looks for lady who can manage Rome while he is gone and control those rebellious statesmen plotting to overthrow him.
Hobbies: Aside from his favorite past time of worrying when he will be overthrown, he also enjoys trips to foreign lands and bloody gladiator death matches. When he is not in the senate he usually retires to his own chambers designing his next big political move.
His ideal date: It could be watching gladiators dismember each other brutally during the tournament seasons or a stroll on the countryside while inspecting burnt and pillaged barbarian villages.
His take on love: “Love and being a ruler are two similar things, they both should last forever.” - Julius Caesar.
3. Genghis Khan
Women love tough guys. But it makes us wonder why Genghis Khan, an all-around horse-riding and sword-swinging cavalier didn’t find his perfect pair. He upped his rep and street cred when he conquered almost all of the lands he sets his foot on. He toppled the mighty wall of China proving that he has bigger balls than all of the people of the Yangtze River combined. He searches for that one fine lady who someday will be riding at his back helping him chop the heads of unfortunate villagers of the latest town he is ravaging. Is that just too much to ask?
His Ideal Woman: Someone who is strong, not emotionally but physically. A lady who can carry tons of bows and arrows and slaughter big fat bison while looking all hot and sexy turns him way on. He doesn’t value looks much but he sure is picky when it comes to what horse a woman is riding.
His Hobbies: Conquering far away lands just to prove that he is a bad ass is the first on the list. He also enjoys long horse rides, Raping captured women, Wife Stealing and burning village huts just to see if people will be pissed off by it.
His Ideal Date- an afternoon of hacking and slashing Chinese Imperial guards topped by Shooting flaming arrows at the great wall of China ending with a romantic bonfire Mongolian Barbeque along the steepes of the Himalayas. Isn’ that romantic?
His take on love: “If I steal you by force from your husband or village and rape you for one whole week that means I love you.” Genghis Khan
4. King Xerxes
Women love successful and competitive men. Thus by that alone women should be ogling over the most bankable bachelor Mesopotamia has ever seen. King Xerxes might have a flair for invading foreign lands just to satisfy his need for a past time but he also is a sensitive soul searching the far corners of the earth for his queen that will obtain control of half of his vast empire. Actually, he stated at least once that the reason why he conquers and destroys foreign nations is that he seeks his fair maiden that might be waiting behind the walls of Sparta.
His Ideal woman: Someone who does not challenge his decision. He is a god so he deserves a woman who will worship him and kiss his feet at a daily basis. Xerxes drools over a woman who can crush 300 Spartans denying him entry to Greece. If you can make Leonidas bend over and kiss your ass Xerxes will definitely propose to you on the spot.
Hobbies: Burying people alive if they disobey him, making kings bow before his knees and raining a million arrows on Leonidas and his 300 Spartans. On his free time he executes people for no reason at all and tells himself repeatedly that he is indeed a god.
His Ideal Date: A day’s worth of worshiping him and bowing before his knees tops the list. But sometimes he takes women out to pick what country he will conquer next and orders his army of about a million to raze it to the ground faster than he could say shamooz.
His take on love: “Who wouldn’t love a god??” Xerxes
Lastly on today’s list
5. Napoleon Bonaparte
He might be short on height but he definitely isn’t lacking on ambition and skills. A pint-sized French who managed to conquer most of Europe, Napoleon certainly has got everything he wanted except for a loving wife who will assure him that he is not as short as he thinks he is. He marched through numerous battlefields and bombarded his enemies with deadly force just to charm every girl in Europe. He travelled the lands of Europe hoping than on one of his conquest, a fair maiden that will make his heart beat is waiting for her short general to come.
What he looks for in a woman: Someone tall, French and kind enough to tell him that height isn’t everything. A woman willing to be stuck with him in exile in the island of Elba and shares his passion of being a ruler for life. Looks are important especially if he seeks a wife he can parade all-around the Arc de Triump during one of his routine military marches.
His hobbies: Utilizing the pincer movement and flanking maneuver to run his opponents out of the battlefield is his favorite hobby. Contemplating revenge and planning the next uprising fills his afternoons while looking out from his cabin at the island of Elba. He also enjoys wine, swords and posing for egoistic paintings.
His Ideal date: An adventurous escape from the Island of Elba deep to the heart of Paris to link up with his underground movement and orchestrate their plan to overthrow the emperor and conquer all of Europe.
His take on love: “My love life was as tragic as Waterloo, They both were doomed attempts. I’m not SHORT!”
So girls, did you find your match from this list of eligible bachelors?
