Love is truly a very beautiful thing. It enables people to experience that sudden rush of emotion that makes the music sound sweeter, the wind much fresher and that cold leftover bowl of instant noodles taste better. It is a combination of different hormonal and chemical responses that make people under the spell of love radiate a certain glow of joy, contentment and ecstasy. But like that much coveted chest of gold buried deep in an isolated island in the middle of the Pacific, the search for love is a path as difficult as the Greek victory over Troy. A lot of hopelessly romantic individuals walk a thorny road in dreaming that one day, that significant other will meet him over a bed of elegant daisies under the golden sunshine.
We as people all share the burden of this noble undertaking and that makes us all playing on leveled field as the game of love is a game where everyone is at a disadvantage. Thus to help people find their long-lost soulmates I offered my matchmaking services to a few eligible bachelors that have spent their lives wondering when the other half of their torn hearts will come to complete them.
So ladies, you might want to read on for your Mr. Right could be in this compilation of history’s most eligible bachelors.
1. Adolf Hitler
This gifted orator and well-dressed man (which is pretty uncommon for Germans) has it all. Eloquent speech, mansions all-over Germany and a massive war machine that is ready to die for him at his command. He has been too busy implementing his plan of Aryan domination and German Rule that he has overlooked the human need for love. Beneath his sexy mustache and well-propped uniform, Adolf Hitler longs for a woman that will share with him his anti-Semitic Empire and be the mother of his brutal Panzer Divisions.
What he looks for in a woman: Jews are automatically disqualified. He loves a woman who can stand long hours saluting him and marching with his massive Nazi Army and one who can listen to him talk about his plans of marching over Poland, Burning France and Pounding Great Britain.
Hobbies: Drinks inside his secret lair along with his top military advisers (or as he calls them, his drinking buddies). He also enjoys blitzkriegs over neutral nations and torturing Jews while having a nice bottle of wine.
His Ideal date: Dinner inside the Eagle’s nest while talking about his latest plan on crushing Russia and executing 100,000 POWs.
His take on love: “Love is like the sound of Innocent Jews screaming for their lives inside an infernal gas chamber, just the thought of it gives me pure ecstasy. - Adolf Hitler
2. Julius Ceasar
He didn’t build Rome in a day, he also couldn’t find true love in his lifetime. Julius Caesar might be known for creating the biggest Empire during his time but he views himself as a failure for crossing the Rubicon without someone holding his hands. He spends his lonely nights in coliseums watching men fight to their deaths and pillaging the nearby Barbarian tribes just to drown out the pain of not having a Mrs. Caesar.
What he looks for in a woman: Someone smart, strong-willed and able to warn him that senators will turn him into a human pin cushion during a routine senate session. He looks for lady who can manage Rome while he is gone and control those rebellious statesmen plotting to overthrow him.
Hobbies: Aside from his favorite past time of worrying when he will be overthrown, he also enjoys trips to foreign lands and bloody gladiator death matches. When he is not in the senate he usually retires to his own chambers designing his next big political move.
His ideal date: It could be watching gladiators dismember each other brutally during the tournament seasons or a stroll on the countryside while inspecting burnt and pillaged barbarian villages.
His take on love: “Love and being a ruler are two similar things, they both should last forever.” - Julius Caesar.
3. Genghis Khan
Women love tough guys. But it makes us wonder why Genghis Khan, an all-around horse-riding and sword-swinging cavalier didn’t find his perfect pair. He upped his rep and street cred when he conquered almost all of the lands he sets his foot on. He toppled the mighty wall of China proving that he has bigger balls than all of the people of the Yangtze River combined. He searches for that one fine lady who someday will be riding at his back helping him chop the heads of unfortunate villagers of the latest town he is ravaging. Is that just too much to ask?
His Ideal Woman: Someone who is strong, not emotionally but physically. A lady who can carry tons of bows and arrows and slaughter big fat bison while looking all hot and sexy turns him way on. He doesn’t value looks much but he sure is picky when it comes to what horse a woman is riding.
His Hobbies: Conquering far away lands just to prove that he is a bad ass is the first on the list. He also enjoys long horse rides, Raping captured women, Wife Stealing and burning village huts just to see if people will be pissed off by it.
His Ideal Date- an afternoon of hacking and slashing Chinese Imperial guards topped by Shooting flaming arrows at the great wall of China ending with a romantic bonfire Mongolian Barbeque along the steepes of the Himalayas. Isn’ that romantic?
His take on love: “If I steal you by force from your husband or village and rape you for one whole week that means I love you.” Genghis Khan
4. King Xerxes
Women love successful and competitive men. Thus by that alone women should be ogling over the most bankable bachelor Mesopotamia has ever seen. King Xerxes might have a flair for invading foreign lands just to satisfy his need for a past time but he also is a sensitive soul searching the far corners of the earth for his queen that will obtain control of half of his vast empire. Actually, he stated at least once that the reason why he conquers and destroys foreign nations is that he seeks his fair maiden that might be waiting behind the walls of Sparta.
His Ideal woman: Someone who does not challenge his decision. He is a god so he deserves a woman who will worship him and kiss his feet at a daily basis. Xerxes drools over a woman who can crush 300 Spartans denying him entry to Greece. If you can make Leonidas bend over and kiss your ass Xerxes will definitely propose to you on the spot.
Hobbies: Burying people alive if they disobey him, making kings bow before his knees and raining a million arrows on Leonidas and his 300 Spartans. On his free time he executes people for no reason at all and tells himself repeatedly that he is indeed a god.
His Ideal Date: A day’s worth of worshiping him and bowing before his knees tops the list. But sometimes he takes women out to pick what country he will conquer next and orders his army of about a million to raze it to the ground faster than he could say shamooz.
His take on love: “Who wouldn’t love a god??” Xerxes
Lastly on today’s list
5. Napoleon Bonaparte
He might be short on height but he definitely isn’t lacking on ambition and skills. A pint-sized French who managed to conquer most of Europe, Napoleon certainly has got everything he wanted except for a loving wife who will assure him that he is not as short as he thinks he is. He marched through numerous battlefields and bombarded his enemies with deadly force just to charm every girl in Europe. He travelled the lands of Europe hoping than on one of his conquest, a fair maiden that will make his heart beat is waiting for her short general to come.
What he looks for in a woman: Someone tall, French and kind enough to tell him that height isn’t everything. A woman willing to be stuck with him in exile in the island of Elba and shares his passion of being a ruler for life. Looks are important especially if he seeks a wife he can parade all-around the Arc de Triump during one of his routine military marches.
His hobbies: Utilizing the pincer movement and flanking maneuver to run his opponents out of the battlefield is his favorite hobby. Contemplating revenge and planning the next uprising fills his afternoons while looking out from his cabin at the island of Elba. He also enjoys wine, swords and posing for egoistic paintings.
His Ideal date: An adventurous escape from the Island of Elba deep to the heart of Paris to link up with his underground movement and orchestrate their plan to overthrow the emperor and conquer all of Europe.
His take on love: “My love life was as tragic as Waterloo, They both were doomed attempts. I’m not SHORT!”
So girls, did you find your match from this list of eligible bachelors?
